31 May 2010

Blog for the Dumped

If you've been following along, you may have noticed that I bought a house on April 29th.

Day 028: Enjoying the downpour

And then on May 18th I lost my job.


Don't fret, I feel very positive right now; I feel a sense of relief. Granted, I am scared (I just bought a house, remember), but I believe opportunities are approaching and many good things are going to cross my path; I am open to explore, try new things - and I always do. I am not a spirit that can be trapped within a box; I need flexibility and opportunity to seek and find creative solutions to problems that others do not realize exist.

In this economy, losing one's job is a frightening thing. But for me, this might be the best thing that could have happened. Otherwise, I'd still be there, feeling miserable, and wishing things were different. I now have the opportunity to make things different. I had a remedial job and was quite unhappy with my quote-responsibilities-unquote. I cannot work in an environment where suggestions for improvement are interpreted as obstruction; avoiding new approaches will inevitably impede growth and lead to deterioration within any organization. 'We've always done it this way' is inflexibility, ignorance, arrogance, and will do nothing but lead to failure....especially when the competition is evolving. He was exactly right when he said I wasn't a good fit for their disorganization.

Day 029: The back of my phone looks like this

Hmmmm, now what?

I'm not sure what my next step will be, but I cannot feel satisfied when my sole responsibility is literally faxing and emailing applications, with no room for advancement or learning.... I digress. This post is about moving forward.

I've been struggling for a long time - years; this struggle wasn't triggered because I suddenly lost my job. I've been struggling because I'm searching for a box, a way to define or give a title to what exactly it is I want to be "when I grow up." By default, at 32, I am now a grown up. I need to take action and find a way to make a living and be happy. I have to stop trying to fit myself into a box someone else constructed. I need to take this opportunity to weigh and understand all my options, explore every path I can brave and find a way to be happy.

I decided this a while ago; I just want to be happy.

I blame myself for trying to follow a path that isn't a good fit for me.  I seem to be making choices for reasons that feel right at the time (seems like all the other girls are working for someone else, in some office job, for health insurance eligibility reasons), but in turn, those choices make my life more difficult and miserable than it needs to be. If I depend on some person or entity, who doesn't really and truly make me happy, just to pay the bills, what is my purpose in life?

Really?

People think I'm joking when I talk about how I'd sit at work all day and ask myself existential questions about my purpose on this planet. All these wars and accidents which result in a weeks-long, catastrophic oil spill with no end in sight - these thoughts encourage me feel to feel like my purpose is nil - just like every thing that lives and breathes on this planet - I am here for a short time and then gone forever. Earth evolves over millions and millions of years, but any organism that lives and breathes is here, then gone, and eventually replaced by a new species.

If I only get a limited amount of time on this planet, how do I want to spend it?
Happy.
So where do I go from here?

Bamboo Forest

Find my path.

No matter how I imagine my future to be, it never works out in the way I envision. And that's exactly what makes life so awesome - the unexpected.

What makes me happy?

I love talking to Strangers
. Like today, @Roseyland came to do some touristy stuff and after a long day of this, we're strolling through Abe Lincoln's 'hood and see these two dudes. One guy is the cameraman and the other guy was doing other stuff, kinda like when I'm on a shoot with Bill. I instinctively run up and say to the 'not Bill' guy - who I'm now imagining as myself, doing the same things I do as Managing Producer for BRICK by Chance and Fortune - and I ask, "What are you guys doing?" And he responds with a British accent, "Working on a documentary." I excitedly replied, "I'm working on a documentary - about bricks!"

Now I'm stunned that there are two dudes from England in Springfield filming a documentary and he's stunned that I'm working on a documentary about bricks.

*photo removed*

In the least eloquent way possible, I attempted to say this. He was intrigued and wanted to check out our trailer (you should, too) so I wrote three things on a piece of paper and handed it to him:
- StLBrickFilm.com
- JeannetteEatsSpaghetti.com
- The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret
(That last one is way off topic and I couldn't help bring this up, but I've no time to explain it to you now.)

I walked away and couldn't stop thinking, "D'oh! I should have gotten his contact info." As we were about to leave I decided, "Screw it, I better go back and find out how I can find about their documentary when it becomes available."

My point is, I like talking to strangers, asking them questions and learning about them.

Day 024: Future Mosaic Pieces

Which brings me to photojournalism. I love taking pictures, it helps me remember. I take my camera everywhere and I take a ridiculous amount of pictures and then upload a few and sometimes write a story about it. (Problem is, I don't write about the typical stuff. Of aaaaall the things that appealed to me the most at the Illinois State Fair, I was most intrigued by the Butter Cow's Va-Jay-Jay. Yet somehow I never got around to writing about the blow-up slide in the shape of sinking Titanic. I've also seen this blow-up slide with a certain fast food chain's logo on the smokestacks.)

But, yeah, I like going places, meeting people, experiencing things and writing about the nuances I discover. I have a variety of interests that are ever-expanding. Heck, I was even featured in a local magazine for my mosaic work. I never thought of it is as something that anyone else would care about. I've always been drawn to tile so for my first attempt, I laid a floor mosaic (hallway and foyer). And those brownish accent tiles, I made those in a pottery class. That's right, the photo below, is my first mosaic. And it's not a little one, either.

Day 324: I laid this mosaic

I'm still in shock that I was approached about and interviewed for breaking stuff and making it into a mosaic. They were interested in my 'art.' The only other time someone ever called me an Artist was the dude who I see at Salvation Army on Saturdays (but first he asked if everything was alright at home... because I stopped in every weekend to buy dishes).

You know what else I like? Working crazy shifts for days and days and weeks at a time, while taking a break every so often to run an errand, then sleeping in one day (any day - not just Saturday, Sunday, designated holidays, sick days (those are no fun), vacation days, non-paid days off or whatever). I want to work as hard as I want, when I want and when others need me to - but the schedule will vary, have terms and limits that are agreed upon by both.

The entrance is mangled; but you can still enter

And in conclusion...

How can I fit this in a box? I'm searching for a non-existent box created by someone else -- and that is an unattainable goal, like Partnership for a Drug Free America. Side note: There has never existed a society or community throughout all of time, even pre-recorded time, which has been completely 'drug free'. Drug use and misuse has always existed; the drugs deemed acceptable, are openly used and the ones frowned upon by society are hidden.

I have no idea what you're thinking after reading this, but I'm thinking that I have a limited number of days on this earth and my life can end at any moment; I want to spend my time exploring, meeting others, sharing my experiences, making a positive difference, being challenged and challenging others' perceptions. I want to feel passionate about my career. I want to work with people who are open-minded, accepting, compassionate and helpful - like me. This can't be done spending the majority of my waking moments in a remedial job that's going nowhere. Other people make their living doing things they love - so why can't I?

Origami should be my hobby -- not mosaics, photojournalism, working on documentaries and other film projects, writing and exploring a lot of random opportunities - all those things I love to do should be my career and not my hobby. (Super awesome to look back at this post two years later and know how much my passion for food and growing it, has grown. Life and its evolutions = amazing.)

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Listening to: Ben Folds Five - Song for the Dumped
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Rainbow legs

11 May 2010

A Quickie (update)

Lots has been happening and I was going to write a big long thing about it, but instead I uploaded a bunch of photos on flickr and spent time writing descriptions instead of a blog post, so if you're really interested, you can read what I wrote for each photo.

I bought a house

This old wheelchair is in my attic.

I started a new 365 Project

Day 013: These detergent caps were sitting on top of the change machine

I was featured in Springfield's Own magazine for my mosaic work!!!

There's so much more happening and for over a month my life has been at a level of chaos that's nearly unbearable, but a lot of positive experiences have been coming my way. I wish I had time to go in to detail, but extra time, it's just not there.

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Listening to: Balkan Beat Box - Joro Boro
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09 May 2010

I am now 32. This happened the other day.

Lots of stuff happening and my life has been crazy busy and blah blah whatever. Happy belated birthday to me. It was mostly a normal day. But you know I like self-documentary; here's my birthday self-portrait:
I'm 32

Normally I'd tell the story now, but, eh, I'll explain later.

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Listening to: J.U.F. - Balkanization Of Americanization
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06 May 2010

Nothing particularly significant, just a huge impact

The last few weeks have been stressful, exhausting and just a lot to deal with. It's nothing more than normal life ups and downs and if we compare me to most any human on the planet, I'm dealing with nothing, really. But I have been feeling overwhelmed.

Whatever, no big deal. Anyway...

Let me cut out many important details of tonight and focus on this one thing.

I invited myself to a family dinner. And while I experienced a wide variety of awesomeness, the best part (and there were a lot of 'best parts' tonight) was having someone sitting across the dinner table from me say:

Every time you look at me, I smile. I don't know why. You make me smile.

That was it. Just a comment in passing, a thought spoken.

And it amazed me.

There was nothing particularly significant, but in one fleeting moment two people made a huge impact on each other.

Cool.

Shadow Games

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Listening to: Gorillaz. Might I recommend: Fire Coming Out of The Monkey's Head; Tomorrow Comes Today; Rock The House; Dirty Harry; El Manana
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PS - I was going to link to some Gorillaz stuff on yotutube, but the commercials turned me off.

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