08 July 2010

Update: Nothing's changed, except my mood

I completed a nice mosaic project almost two weeks ago, but after a test-grout-failure, I am leery to grout the piece. It is my first commissioned work and the sculpture which it rests below is intensely beautiful. The tile and bronze (or copper? what are those circles made of?) turned out great, but I can't allow horrible grout work below this amazing sculpture. I looked into pre-mixed grout, but Lowe's didn't have any in black. Maybe I need a drill and a mixer attachment? I can only mix so fast and on the test run, the grout started setting and then my sandless grout, which should be smooth, ended up with lumps and I ended up frustrated. That can happen on a test run, but it cannot happen on a collaborative piece of artwork.

Bless you, Travis, for having faith in my abilities. Faith in myself is something I seem to lack as of late. But I'm working on it and I can feel an improvement.

Day 055: Mosaic Project
Three days later I completed this project. Just add grout.

I've had a really hard time focusing my energy in the right direction(s).

I have been struggling with my resume and trying to somehow reinvent myself - because I do not want the same type of jobs I've held in the past - this has been a true test to my strength and belief in myself. A variety of friends have offered suggestions, edits, and the like - but in the end Kelly reworded and revamped my resume as I sat next to her, distracting her from working on... my resume. She did this HUGE favor a week ago and that really was the turning point in my mood; I feel tremendously better. Regardless that nothing's changed -yet- and I can't quite see a light at the end of the tunnel, I know I'm going in the right direction and I know I am surrounded by people who will guide me, people who want to see me happy and who have confidence that I'll be successful, no matter what I attempt.

For a while I felt like I were participating in that group exercise where I'd be standing on an elevated surface (you're probably picturing a picnic table, but I picture the severed remains of a once-giant tree) with my arms crossed and my eyes closed and I fall backwards into supportive arms of people who love me. Except I've been picturing myself tumbling into a den of captive lions who are burnt out on prepared meals and have been waiting for an opportunity to kill live prey. For months, I've felt as if I am the frozen-then-thawed food on which they normally fed. Now I know that I'm one antelope in a herd of many, but I am not The Weak One. When I fall, I have my own herd of friends and family who are willing to come to my assistance, help me up, dust off my jeans and encourage me to keep running (from those lions!).

While nothing's changed on the job front, I'm feeling better and more confident in my abilities to find a job that suits me. Until I find that job, my job is to find a job. Which kind of sucks, but it's not the first time I've been in this predicament. And I have so many other things to be happy and grateful for, they are overshadowing my ability to wallow in self-pity over losing my job three weeks after buying a house.

To quote my long-time friend (no, really, I've known her since third grade; I'm 32. That's about 24 years. The only other people I've known for that long are family members. Crazy. Anyway, I digress...), Terra, she wrote this to me during a different stressful major life transition, on 25 September 2008:

This could have been so much worse; this could have been so much better. But what could have been, never is, so onward and upward you go!

Listening to: The Isley Brothers - Footsteps in the Dark

After, I think, only one post with my 'listening to' at the top, I decided to move it back down to the bottom; I thought it'd be funky in people's feed reader. As if anyone feeds me.


  1. Do I get a prize for first response?!!

    Jeannette you are brilliant. You'll be properly engaged in the jobbishness soon enough. Until then - maybe become improperly engaged in the blackmarket tomfoolery of selling other folks stuff for them on the Ebay. What the heck it's worth a shot.

    If the Pack and Ship places can do it for a tidy profit, I figure someone such as yourself who is clever and creative with a camera and the written word can *really* make it pop.

    Or you could become a bootlegger. Travis can make you a still and you can produce GMO free sourmash squeezins.

  2. Stand up on the once-giant tree stump and fall back, Jeannette. More friends than you know are here to catch you.

    I'm going to tell you some advice my mom told me when I left my husband and was moving my clothes out of the house (in tears!) and didn't even have a plate to eat off of:

    Everything's going to be alright. You just don't know what 'alright' looks like right now.

    But i like Terra's words, too. I'll be stealing them and hanging onto them for the future.

  3. I'll feed you a sammich :)

  4. Polyblend grout at Home Depot comes in Charcoal black. See? http://www.custombuildingproducts.com/ProductCatalog/Grout/GroutColorsNotDIY.aspx?user=arc&lang=en

    There's also a store called The Tile Shop that has premixed grout in a variety of colors. Their website is misbehaving right now, but maybe you've heard of it or can find it in the phone book?



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