20 April 2011

Words to be Remembered... on

I stopped losing my keys seven years ago when I got the car I have now; it has only one key; I am paranoid about losing this key. That might be the only possible explanation as to why I have inadvertently or subconsciously stolen other people's keys. Four times. In the last 18 months. The most recent incident occurred a few weeks ago when I awoke to five missed calls and three new messages. I knew something was up since I rarely receive any calls, let alone five in one day.

"Hey, it's Denise, the bartender from Franny's...." Fuuuuuck. This can't be good. "....you wouldn't happen to have my keys would you?"

Next Message

"Hey, Denise again. Just, really hoping you have my keys because I can't lock the bar...." This message is from six hours ago.

Last Message

"Heeeey, it's Denise again. I'm so sorry to keep calling and bothering you like this, but I really need to get home before 6:30 so I can get my son ready for school...."

By this time I've looked around and found mine and Stacey's keys. Instead of looking harder for a third set, I called Denise to report the bad news and she was surprisingly upbeat about the situation. "That's okay, you play you pay.... I ended up taking the same cab as you two, so I know they weren't in there.... I have spares of every key except to my front door..."

Two days later, while preparing to leave my house I grabbed my keys off the counter and stuck them in my pocket. Approximately twelve seconds later, while digging deep inside one of my giant purse-bags, I discovered another set of keys.  


I returned them the next day.

The First Time I Accidentally Stole a Set of Keys

I'm at work and I get a text that reads, "Do you have my keys?" I respond, "No." Some back and forth banter ensued until I received a text explaining, "I drove to work. I drove home. You came over. We made pizza. We watched a movie. You went home. I went to sleep. I woke up. I spent an hour looking for my keys and it really seems like you should have them."

I feel like I looked for them, but since their hiding spot* was so painfully obvious, I am sure I failed to do a thorough cavity search of my possessions.

*See: right jacket pocket.**

**Note: I am right-handed.

The Second Time I Accidentally Stole a Set of Keys

Same victim, somewhat reverse situation, except it could be better described as me subconsciously planting my very own keys on him, except we discovered them on the lunch break I practically forced him to take to come help me look for my keys, and talked him into picking up food on his way sitting outside by the door.

Third Incident, Second Victim

I had a friend walk me to my car late one night only to discover my key fob battery was dead. What in thee? Great! Now my freaking key won't unlock the door! Aware of my prior record, Victim Number Two snatched the keys from my hand, "Lemme see those! .... Hey, these are MY keys!"


I should have tried harder to find Denise's keys.

at cicero's
Bathroom graffiti at Cicero's. 20 August 2008

Listening to: The White Stripes - Hypnotize

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